S-O-N-G-W-R-I-T-I-N-G

Hi, I'm a songwriter, and it turns out I completely failed grade school where you learn how to spell words in the English language. Therefore, I'm going to make sure the world knows that now, as a supposed adult, that I can in fact spell. S-P-E-L-L. See? Just to make sure you get it (and also, because I'm an alarmingly lazy songwriter and can't think of better lyrics), I'll include the spelling as part of the song.

The first examples that come to mind:

• Hollaback Girl
  
• The Way You Move
  
• L.O.V.E. (Now we're even spelling titles??)
  
• Glamorous
  
• Fergalicious
  

Notice 2 of the 5 examples come from Fergie... and as far as we can tell, she should go back to grade school. Honey, I don't care how delicious or whatever you are. There's still no 'E' in tasty.

disgusted

Does anyone out there still watch the Apprentice? This season's cast includes a young ambitious Indian woman. At the start of the season, I was intrigued. In four seasons, this was the first Indian person included on the show, and I was curious to see what she would make of herself. Fair or not, I felt she was representing Indian women all over America, since Indian women are still scarce in public American media. After watching the last two episodes, all I can say is EW. I hope I'm never associated with such arrogance, ego, and general repulsiveness. Disdain for others dripping from every word she said, she proceeded to blatantly lie about her religion of all things, just to get out of doing something she felt was too far beneath her Ivy league education. To you, Ms. Toral Mehta, I ask, just what were you thinking?? Do these types of shenanigans really work in your everyday life? What a major disappointment.

missive

Dear Quizno's Baby Bob,

First off, I must send my heartiest congratulations to the pushy stage mother you must have. I can certainly see how she must have jumped at the opportunity to profit from your questionably adorable looks by way of scary digital manipulation. Undoubtably, she carefully weighed the possibility of scarring you for life (or at least those of us subjected to watching you talk like a 45 year old) against the pain she would endure if she neglected to seize this chance to preview your impending mid-life crisis.

But dear me, where are my manners? Let's look past your parental guidance (aka agent) for a moment. The endearing folks at Quiznos must hold you in the deepest regards. To think, they thought of including you in their new campagin immediately after the talking squirrels/gerbils/whatevers. I mean, as we all know, a baby that acts as though he's old enough to have his own kids is an infinitely better way to convince the average consumer to purchase subs than a guinea pig singing about a pepper bar. You must be so honored. They could definitely teach these guys a thing or two about how to really engage your audience and promote positive associations with your product.

Anyhow, I'm sorry been beating around the bush here. Fact is, I can plainly see why you would be an exemplary spokesperson for the new beef sub. I mean, such a clear connection! When I think footlong sandwiches that need to be dipped in brown goo, I certainly think of talking 8 month olds. I can't believe Subway didn't get to you first, they really screwed up with that Jared guy. Keep up the good work, and don't worry, I'm sure the movie offers will be flooding your inbox.

Your devoted fan,
sangeet

consistency

yes, surprise surprise, "I don't like the consistency." Or in this case, the lack thereof. Musical rant to follow, might as well tune out now if you're tone deaf. ;)

ok, I admire a good marketing campaign. It may not get me to buy your product, but at least I can appreciate the work that goes into it.

"ba da ba ba ba.... I'm lovin it"

It's become McD's new anthem. Which is perfectly fine; it's great to reinvent your image, and try to connect with the new generation. But can we be consistent about it?? PLEASE! I wouldn't even mind the change in keys with every commercial so much, but the change in moods has GOT to go. Sometimes minor, sometimes major, they don't even keep the same intervals for each version of the jingle.

I present Exhibit A. Let's overlook the tackiness that is the domain name. Not to mention the absurdity of linking Mcdonald's, an American icon, with a need to subdivide us by ethnicity. But wait, that's a whole 'nother tirade.

Anyhow, if you open up the link, you should hear E-F#-G-B-A for the ba da ba section. Let's break this down: whole step up, half step up, major third up, whole step down.

Next, Exhibit B. The notes for this version, A-B-C-A'-G. so you've got: whole step up, half step up, major sixth up, whole step down. The UK mixes it up in Exhibit C with C-D-E-A-G: whole step up, whole step up, fourth up, whole step down.

I'm getting tired of searching for more links to audio samples (they seem to be well hidden), but I think you get my point. Next time you see a McD's commercial or hear one on the radio, I can almost guarantee that it'll be different from the last version.

I know I'm alone in my neurosis to notice this, or more specifically: care. But unfortunately, I do, and it's ruined the entire campaign for me. Ah well, I'm sure Coke or someone will have something coming along soon.

cracked

It's finally happened.

Old Navy's marketing department has finally broken my spirit. I actually enjoyed the last commercial I saw. It's a shame, I know. For years I've been saying that those ad guys need to be buried alive for subjecting America to their brand of so-perky-I-could-punch-it sense of humor. And yet, here I stand (or sit, as the case may be. I'm terribly lazy) admitting my defeat.

The collection of spots I'm referring to features a charming young bunch of holiday carolers. Only, this chipper group doesn't serenade us with beautiful verses of Lo How a Rose. Instead, through song, they remind a poor chap o' the week that he's behind on his holiday shopping for the 40 good friends in his life (ha!) and my, doesn't Old Navy have just the thing?

The voices clearly don't belong to the people pictured, but I still like it. You won, Old Navy. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to glue myself back to the tv to see if I can find the Hershey Kisses commercial I've enjoyed so much in years past. You know the one, 10 kisses in a pyramid, pretending they're handbells and chiming out We Wish You a Merry Christmas. Ah the holidays... :)

crooners

so, I tuned in to the 3rd game of the world series tonight just in time to catch Amy Grant sing God Bless America. With a shaky voice, she started out like a middle schooler carefully singing her first solo. I kept waiting for it to be special. And then, it was over. No glory note, no melisma, not even the extra part at the beginning that most of us don't know. Just your average, vanilla, straight as a board rendition of the song. To tell the truth, that's not even the part that I had a problem with. The announcer introduced her as Grammy winning Amy Grant. But that? Was definitely not a grammy winning voice. Even I could have sung that better. What, was she "sick" like Ashlee Simpson? She didn't even look like she enjoyed it!

While I'm on the subject of complaining about celebrity singers, let's talk about Bono for a moment. You've all seen the ipod commercial that he's in right? (Side note, Ipod Photo was just released, and I haven't quite made up my mind about it. Its ridiculously expensive for a toy, but then again it looks like fun.) Well in case you haven't, the song that he's singing starts counting in Spanish. He sings, "Uno, Dos, Tres, Catorce." Uhh... Que?? Catorce? That's some kind of inside joke, right? They don't really think that's four, do they?

mockery

did anyone catch Last Comic Standing tonight? what was up with that?!! The theme of the night was a "roast" where they all made jokes that insulted Jay Mohr. Except none of them were funny! where's the talent in that, people? One guy actually just LISTED the things he didn't like about Jay. Not in a funny way, just a list that he read off an index card really really fast. Um, yeah. At that point, its not comedy, its just being mean. Plus the fact that these people were obvious incapable of focusing their thoughts, because not one of them actually stuck with Jay. They took pot shots at all the other comics, sometimes even the ones on their own team. I'm no expert, but, when you have to remind the audience to laugh after every "joke", maybe its time to rethink your routine...

wait a minute... i guess i'm the loser that sat there and watched it anyways... so, um, nice flood we're having, eh?