S-O-N-G-W-R-I-T-I-N-G

Hi, I'm a songwriter, and it turns out I completely failed grade school where you learn how to spell words in the English language. Therefore, I'm going to make sure the world knows that now, as a supposed adult, that I can in fact spell. S-P-E-L-L. See? Just to make sure you get it (and also, because I'm an alarmingly lazy songwriter and can't think of better lyrics), I'll include the spelling as part of the song.

The first examples that come to mind:

• Hollaback Girl
  
• The Way You Move
  
• L.O.V.E. (Now we're even spelling titles??)
  
• Glamorous
  
• Fergalicious
  

Notice 2 of the 5 examples come from Fergie... and as far as we can tell, she should go back to grade school. Honey, I don't care how delicious or whatever you are. There's still no 'E' in tasty.

genius

I've come up with a brilliant invention. I know, I know, I should be modest, but I can't help it, this is, as the Brits would say, brilliant.

So, you know how when you're driving in the rain you have to have your windshield wipers on, but it's not raining hard enough to even warrant the lowest setting? So you can either leave them on low and deal with the squeak the blades will make because there's not enough water on the glass, or you can wait till you get annoyed enough by the fact that you can't see to temporarily turn on the wipers and then lather rinse repeat.

Or how about this: You're listening to a great song, blasting it through your cheap speakers, singing at the top of your lungs, and then the wipers hit the edge of the windshield. COMPLETELY off tempo. And it's so distracting that you speed up, just so that you can justify switching to a faster wiper setting. Only to find out, this one's off too!

Have no fear, my latest invention to the rescue! How many of you took piano lessons as a wee little one? Come on, I know you did, raise your hand, don't be shy. Well, if so, you may recall a little device known as a metronome. It has the ability to keep time at a wide spectrum of tempos, by virtue of a sliding weight on a pendulum. You can choose tempos all the way from ~50, Largo, to ~200, Presto.

Here's where my idea comes into play. What if instead of the regular knob for high, medium and low, there was a metronome style knob? You could choose exactly what tempo you wanted, whether it was to match the beat of your current song, or simply to make life easier by choosing just the right speed to match the amount of precipitation in the air. Either way, your call. You're in the driver's seat (pun intended of course). ;)

You may henceforth refer to me as Wile E. Coyote, Suuuper Genius.

consistency

yes, surprise surprise, "I don't like the consistency." Or in this case, the lack thereof. Musical rant to follow, might as well tune out now if you're tone deaf. ;)

ok, I admire a good marketing campaign. It may not get me to buy your product, but at least I can appreciate the work that goes into it.

"ba da ba ba ba.... I'm lovin it"

It's become McD's new anthem. Which is perfectly fine; it's great to reinvent your image, and try to connect with the new generation. But can we be consistent about it?? PLEASE! I wouldn't even mind the change in keys with every commercial so much, but the change in moods has GOT to go. Sometimes minor, sometimes major, they don't even keep the same intervals for each version of the jingle.

I present Exhibit A. Let's overlook the tackiness that is the domain name. Not to mention the absurdity of linking Mcdonald's, an American icon, with a need to subdivide us by ethnicity. But wait, that's a whole 'nother tirade.

Anyhow, if you open up the link, you should hear E-F#-G-B-A for the ba da ba section. Let's break this down: whole step up, half step up, major third up, whole step down.

Next, Exhibit B. The notes for this version, A-B-C-A'-G. so you've got: whole step up, half step up, major sixth up, whole step down. The UK mixes it up in Exhibit C with C-D-E-A-G: whole step up, whole step up, fourth up, whole step down.

I'm getting tired of searching for more links to audio samples (they seem to be well hidden), but I think you get my point. Next time you see a McD's commercial or hear one on the radio, I can almost guarantee that it'll be different from the last version.

I know I'm alone in my neurosis to notice this, or more specifically: care. But unfortunately, I do, and it's ruined the entire campaign for me. Ah well, I'm sure Coke or someone will have something coming along soon.

drool

Found in an away message today:

"on the bright side, today I seem to have as solid of a low A as you'll hear from a non-Barry Carl/Chanticleer/Tim Storm bass-dude :-!"

mmm... just imagine that resonance... Gives me chills. :)